I finally got access to my Twitter archive. By request, here are my #noirfiction tweets from quite a ways back:
She was a nutty broad, with hair that was bonkers, and legs that just didn’t make any sense at all #noirfiction
She had a pair of legs that wouldn’t quit, no matter how politely you asked #noirfiction
She was the kind of dame where you couldn’t wait for her to leave so you could write about her on your blog #noirfiction
It was a dark and stormy…. DAY #noirfictiontwists
Her legs only went halfway up and then there was just an inescapable shrieking void, like all women #noirfictiontwists #noirbydavesim
She had legs that went all the way up, and so did the rest of her. “Get back down here,” I said. She looked at me and said “No” #noirfiction
She had a nice set of legs, and then a second, less-nice set she’d found in her foyer. That’s why she came to me. #noirfiction
Her legs were like a metaphor, and the imagery they brought to mind was extreme evocative #noirfiction
She had a body like a poem, and a face like a limerick #noirfiction
She was a real classy broad: top hat, monocle, tuxedo, twirled mustache… oh wait #noirfiction
Normally a dame like this would put me on every edge I had, but nectarines were in season and I had an entire bag. #noirfiction
She had a torso and then two weird lower limbs sticking out of the bottom of it. What were those things #noirfiction
I never cared for conversation, so I let my gun do the talking. Problem was, he was shy too #noirfiction
It’s a dirty job in a dirty city, but I’m not the cleanest guy so that’s fine by me. The name’s Paul Blart… Mall Cop. #noirfiction #blart
He had a face like a stack of pancakes and whenever he talked he sprayed butter and syrup everywhere #noirfiction
She stormed into my office like a hurricane, swinging her arms around and knocking over all my things. “Hey,” I said. #noirfiction
She had a face like this :) and a pair of legs to match < #noirfiction
She had a nice face. It was pretty. She was in my office. I was a detective! It was my first day of being a detective. #noirfiction
She had a pair of legs that ended in rollerskates and the kind of body that could stay upright #noirfiction
She had a face like a zen koan: thought-provoking but impossible to figure out #noirfiction
Dakarai Molokomme, a 15-year-old starving child from a small village in Zimbabwe, has just told Madonna, one of the most famous pop stars in the world, to go and f*** herself, the local media are reporting exclusively.
“Yes, it’s true, I told Madonna to go f*** herself. Do you want to know why?” Dakarai asked. “It’s the same thing every time with these snobby rich Americans. Every once in a while they come to show us their support for the so-called eradication of poverty by adopting a child from a starving family, but they actually do more harm than good. Transracial international adoptions are part of the white savior industrial complex,” Dakarai explained.
In further discussions with journalists from the media, the kid stated that “none of the children here actually want to be taken away from their family and friends so they can be displayed as some kind of trophy in the homes of self-righteous singers or actors who want to score some points with the media and Oprah.”
“If they really want to help us, they should get Big Pharma to ship us some anti-retroviral drugs for the AIDS epidemic, or build schools and hospitals. If they don’t want to do that, then they can all go f** themselves!” the child told reporters.
The 15-year-old also stated that he would say the same thing to any one of those American or European “faux humanitarian posers”, except for Bono, whom he said he would also kick in the groin.
“Bono’s efforts to save the African savage from itself prove that the colonial imperative is alive and well,” Dakarai said as he walked with other village children collecting sticks to build a tree fort.
My new hero.
THIS NEEDS TO GO VIRAL.
Also “Kelly Rowland is the true gay icon.”
AW SHIT. LMFAOOO
Damn. Tell ‘em why you mad.
I really hope Lady Gaga and Katy Perry watch this on a loop with tears in their eyes.